On sunday, November 11th (three days before my birthday) my mother passed from this world. I can very well say I had the arrogance to think before that I wouldn't be as sad as I was if she did. I was expecting it to happen sometime for she had very few healthy habits, however, the pain caused by her passing has affected me to even this day.
I suffer from insomnia problems anyway, but thinking there was something I could have done has been eating at my mind and forcing me to stay awake till 5am or later... I'm trying to fix it but it is really hard. My extended family on my mothers side (for the most part) has now been cut out of my life, since they tried to defend someone who didn't deserve it. My mother, when she was a child, was abused and molested by her step-dad. Some fucker named 'jim'. (not even changing that, I fucking hate this guy.) Anyway several of the family members gathered attempted to fight for his 'right to mourn'. He had no fucking right to mourn the person he so tortured in life, to her dying day she still had nightmares...
Well, the wake went differently and those of us with hearts went to celebrate her at a Denny's, which was a small but meaningful ceremony. She has been cremated, and her box now rests with dad, who sleeps with it under his arm, it makes my heart heavy to see how this had hurt my father, and how it has hurt me.
I don't tend to cry cause I'm so used to being in pain, but I can't help but cry every now and than when I think about her...
